Continuing Connections
Adoption Choices of JFS

Spring 2010

Peace of My Mind by Emma

Emma, age 13, joined her family through adoption. She submits regularly to this newsletter and is happy to answer questions you might have.  To submit questions to Emma email lcarballo@jfsmw.org.

Q. What is it like being an adopted teen?  How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed as you have grown and changed?

A. All my life, being adopted has been a major part of my identity. When I was younger, it was definitely important, but I think as I've gotten older and understood more things, it has become more and more important to me. It is usually one of the first things I tell someone when I'm getting to know them. After we get past the more obvious, and perhaps less important, things like my obsession with Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day, or that I love Converse sneakers, and other major aspects of me and my life, I always say that I'm adopted.

Then I have to explain that it's an open adoption, and I know my birth family really well. The depth of my explanation of my open adoption varies, but I always bring it up. I can understand how it might be uncomfortable to be a teenager and talk about adoption, but for me it's just something I'm used to. I'm always willing to go further if there are more questions, and I think I'm really lucky to be able to do that.

I have friends who are adopted too, and some of them are able to mention it early on in getting to know someone as well. One friend, however, didn't tell me until we were friends for a while. I think it was hard for her to talk about it, and therefore she waited until she really felt she knew me until she told me, even though she knew I was adopted. For me, though, it's an aspect of me and my personality that is shared almost as easily as my taste in music. 

Because my adoption is open, I am able to be open about it with other people. It isn't really an uncomfortable topic for me, and I'm not really harboring any negative feelings that I keep bottled up inside. I let my adopted friends ask me questions, and even if they might not feel as comfortable, or ready to ask at all, I think we know that when they're ready, I am ready to talk.

From Dale and Raquel - "The Wait - A Few Thoughts on Survival"

For some advice on waiting we turned to our colleague Carol Sheingold.  - Dale & Raquel

For prospective adopters, many of whom have borne the intrusion of infertility treatments, driven down unknown roads toward unknown agencies for informational seminars, and sat through hours-long interviews during the home study process, along with the additional required educational training sessions - "the Wait" which follows can bring at once a sigh of relief, and a surprising anxiety-inducing void. Filling the void can be a matter of choice - and how you choose to fill it can make all the difference!

Those involved with adoption know that it would be unusual at best not to experience anxiety while waiting for the call from your adoption agency.  The road to adoption is so filled with the unexpected and "unexplained", the "less than 1 percent chance" that many prospective adopters simply begin to think that they will be the exception rather than the rule - the one couple or single person who is never able to adopt.  Fortunately, however, statistics do not bear this out.  And so, it becomes a matter of starting to believe that your luck will turn - that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

"The Wait" is a time to focus in on what brings you "into the moment" - and away from anxiety producing thoughts.  As social workers, we often tell our clients that this is the best time to do all the things you won't be able to do once the baby arrives - this could include attending evening classes in painting or cooking, trips to far-flung places, those golf lessons you've been dreaming about, or going on romantic get-aways. It's a great time to brainstorm together about the things you'd like to do - time and imagination are your biggest assets during "the Wait".  And freedom from the time and stress involved in medical interventions can allow you to relax and finally enjoy planning for your future. 

While you may focus on doing things together during this time, it is also important to allow time for individual pursuits, and separate interests.  One person's night of Mah Jong may be another person's night on the couch with the Red Sox.  Respecting each other's differences is also great practice for parenting, as you'll be juggling even more needs and disparate interests as you enter into family life. 

Perhaps most importantly, it is valuable to do things that help you experience the lighter side of life - laughter always brings one into the present - and even if momentarily, away from the anxiety of "the Wait".  Journaling, exercise, meditation, religious practice, parenting classes, being with others who are experiencing the same thing - respecting the ebb and flow of your needs as individuals and as a couple - dreaming, planning, working and playing your way to parenthood (it will happen!) - are all part of surviving "the Wait" - while you have no control over the length of time you wait, you have all the control in how you spend it.

Carol Sheingold has worked 18 years as an adoption professional in agency settings and now runs a consulting business called Adoption Simplified, LLC, meeting with prospective adopters throughout the Boston Metropolitan area, providing support and guidance through the adoption process.  Her web site is www.adoptionsimplified.com -- She can be reached at 617-943-3977 or at carol@adoptionsimplified.com.

Waiting Child

Children's Home Society & Family Services (CHSFS) of Minnesota is trying to find a home for two little boys. These close brothers were born 9/1999 and 3/2006. They prefer to be together and the younger brother will often get upset when his brother is away. The older brother is very protective of his brother and often defends him from the other children. He has a rather quiet personality and enjoys playing ball. The younger brother likes to socialize. He is an affectionate child. They have no known medical needs and waiting for their loving family because of their age. For more information contact Lisa at ltrinh@chsfs.org.

Seas the Dream

About Adoption Choices

For more information, please visit our website at:Adoption Choices