Kulanu newsletter - Jan/Feb 2008

Jewish Family Service of Metrowest

Kulanu - Jewish Partners in Parenting

January/February 2008

In This Issue
	Love and Limits Using Positive Discipline Techniques Wooden Spool Puppet Cooking With Kids A Place to Share Kulanu Connections PJ Library Book Review Mark Your Calendar Community Resources

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Greetings,

Picture these scenes - the grocery store where your toddler is screaming because s/he wants candy, playgroup as your daughter pulls a toy away from another child, your car where your children just cannot keep their hands to themselves. Or those times when we want to yell "Calgon, take me away!" It is these times when we feel how difficult the job of parenting is. It is our job as parents to teach our children how to be responsible, caring, independent, secure, ethical adults with Jewish values. No wonder we feel overwhelmed with the everyday stresses of parenthood - this is no easy task. In this issue of Kulanu's Jewish Partners in Parenting newsletter, we address the issue of discipline and the importance of raising children with love and limits.

Love and Limits

Some of us were raised by parents who were very strict and we learned to be obedient. Some of us were raised in permissive households where there were no rules and the goal was happy children at any cost, even if the cost was not learning limits. Research shows that children who are raised somewhere in between these two parenting styles, with democratic parents, are the most well-adjusted. Children raised by democratic parents learn that there are limits and consequences, but they also learn to question authority when appropriate and to make positive choices based on internal values. This parallels the Jewish approach to discipline as Maimonides counsels us to seek the shvil hazahav, the golden mean. Children who receive positive feedback and who are allowed to make choices will feel more confident and worthy. Children who understand the importance of limits develop an internal motivation for success. The Talmud says, "Let the left hand push away while the right hand draws near" (Sotah 47a). Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch says this is the combination of love and strictness we use with our children. The love, represented by the stronger right hand, must always predominate. If we do this, then we will be successful in our efforts to raise healthy children who understand and respect limits.

Using Positive Discipline Techniques

As you celebrate the joys of parenting and struggle with the challenges, incorporate these ideas into your discipline routine. 1. Set realistic expectations for your child based on age, development and temperament. Many of the behaviors that children display at each age and stage in their development are quite normal What may look like misbehavior is often a normal part of learning and growing. For example, if your 9-month old throws a piece of food on the floor, your reaction will be quite different than if your 6-year old throws food on the floor. It is important to understand the developmental stages and expectations of behavior that coincide with each stage. It is also important that we know our children's temperament and accept that all children are different. When planning activities, keep in mind your child's temperament and make choices where you child can be successful. 2. Use positive discipline tools to guide children. Catch your children while they are good and praise them for their positive choices. For example, set up a sticker chart for a challenging behavior. It is important to listen to our children and acknowledge their feelings. Remember that feelings are different than behaviors. It is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to hit someone. Label your children's feelings. "I know you are disappointed because we can't go to the park today." "It makes you sad when.." Model with I messages. "I feel sad when you pull my hair because it hurts me." These are a few examples of positive discipline that work. 3. Family Meetings are a wonderful tool to start with your family. It provides a time, once a week, when your family comes together to share celebrations and discuss challenges. Start each meeting by going around the table and having each family member name something positive about each other. This can be a "Thank you for helping me" or "I like the way you.." Set individual and family goals, and brainstorm solutions to challenges that face the family. Use this time to go over the schedule for the week and chore assignments. In today's busy world, it is more important than ever to set this time aside each week to come together as a family. Look for more parenting tips on how to parent with both your right and left hands, with both love and limits, in future Kulanu newsletters.

Wooden Spool Puppet

Children love puppets. This puppet craft project can be used not only as a fun rainy day activity, but the puppets can also be used as a helpful tool. Children may use a puppet show to express feelings that they may not be comfortable sharing on their own. The puppets can also be used to role play the handling of challenging situations. Wooden Spoon Puppet (From familyfun.com) Materials: Wooden Spoon Non-bleeding markers Pipe cleaners Glue Rubber Bands Fabric Scraps Ribbon 1. Use the markers to draw facial features on the front and back of a wooden spoon. You can give each puppet a different expression (such as happy, mad, surprised) 2. Add hair by bending a pipe cleaner around the edge of the bowl and gluing it in place. Stretch rubber bands around the spoon to hold the hair until the glue dries. 3. To dress the puppet, loosely wrap a piece of material around the spoon handle. Then, gather the cloth at the base of the bowl and tie a ribbon around the cloth to secure the dress at the neck.

Cooking With Kids

Special family time is a great reward for the completion of a sticker chart or another celebration. Choose a night for "Breakfast for Dinner" and try out these yummy chocolate chip pancakes. Instead of eating at the table, put out a blanket in your den and make it a family picnic. Chocolate Chip Pancakes 1 1/4 C flour 1 T sugar 1/4 tsp. cinnamon 1 T baking powder 1/4 tsp. salt 2 eggs 1 C milk 4 T melted butter 3/4 tsp. vanilla 3/4 C chocolate chips Preheat griddle or skillet. Combine flour, sugar, cinnamon, baking powder and salt in a large bowl. Mix together liquid ingredients and beat into dry mixture until smooth. Fold in the chocolate chips. Pour 1/4 cup batter for each pancake onto hot griddle. Cook until the bubbles that form on top begin to pop, before flipping, then cook a minute or so more. Serve immediately topped with your favorite syrup

A Place to Share

Empathy is a very important trait to teach our children. I think I managed to teach it to ours almost by accident. In the interest of avoiding the sullen "sorry" whenever one of our kids did something wrong, I've always tried to focus more on the injured party than the perpetrator. "It makes Mommy sad when you throw your food on the floor," I say to the twins, age 2, "Give Mommy a kiss and tell me you're sorry." It seems that the "kiss" has made all the difference. By 18 months, the twins would immediately start making kissing noises when they made a mess, or accidentally whacked one another, or did any of the other thousand inappropriate things that children do. Sophie, age 5, gives an unprompted "sorry" any time she does anything wrong, and even apologizes for her sisters if she knows what they did upset me. All it took was adding a little "love" to our discipline to teach them empathy. - Stacey David, mother of Sophie (5 ½ years) and twins Anna and Maggie (2 ½ years)

Kulanu Connections

Kulanu CONNECTIONS is an informal group that provides social opportunities for women living along the "495 belt" who are looking to make Jewish connections. Kulanu CONNECTIONS focuses on building relationships as part of the larger Jewish community. Events are for women, couples, and families. To be added to the e-vite list contact Natalie Robinson at nataliedrobinson@comcast.net or 508- 541-8895. Sign up for the Kulanu Connections listserve! Kulanu Connections has its own email listserve group, an informal way for Jewish women in our area to connect to one another. This listserve makes informal communication easier and allows Kulanu participants to share information and ask each other questions, such as "Where can I find Hanukkah candles in Franklin?" It will also facilitate gatherings of mothers in the group, such as "I am interested in forming a playgroup on Mondays for 3-4 year olds, please contact me if you are interested." or "I'm going to story time at the library in Bellingham tomorrow; come join me!" TO JOIN THE LIST-SERVE: Just send your e mail address to kulanumail@gmail.com and you will be added to the list. If at any time, you want to stop receiving e-mails, just send a message and you will be taken off the list.

PJ Library

Jewish Family Service of Metrowest and the Jewish Community Centers of Greater Boston are coming together to bring PJ Library to 1500 families in the greater Boston area! PJ Library is available to families with young children to introduce Jewish concepts and holidays into Jewish homes - homes that foster children's curiosity about their heritage and help families explore their Jewish identity through Jewish books and other media. When you register, your child (aged birth to 6 years) will receive a free high-quality Jewish children's book or CD every month for one year. Each book comes with resources to help you use that month's selection in your home. If you want to continue your child's subscription after the first year, it only costs $18. To sign up for PJ Library, please go to www.pjlibrary.org and check Metrowest on the registration form.

Book Review

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee By Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, clinical psychologist and Jewish educator Wendy Mogel uses Jewish teachings and psychological insights to guide parents in raising self-reliant, compassionate and ethical children. Using a framework of nine "blessings," Mogel addresses key parenting issues such as respect for adults, chores, coping with frustration, meal-time battles and avoiding over- scheduling and over-indulgence. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee is a parenting book that leads parents to look at their families in a new way.

Community Resources

Jewish Family Service of Metrowest 475 Franklin Street Framingham, MA 01702 508-875-3100 www.jfsmw.org Strengthening Lives, Building Community JFS/MW is your non-profit agency providing social and community services throughout the life cycle for people of all ages, faiths, and backgrounds. Temple Etz Chaim 900 Washington Street Franklin, MA 02038 508-528-5337 www.temple-etzchaim.org Temple Beth Torah 2162 Washington Street Holliston, MA 01746 (508) 429-6268 www.bethtorah.org www.interfaithfamily.com Charles River Hadassah www.charlesriver.hadassah.org MetroWest Jewish Day School 29 Upper Joclyn Avenue Framingham, MA 01701 508-620-5554 www.mwjds.org Metrowest JCC 29 Upper Joclyn Avenue Framingham, MA 01701 Phone: 508-879-3300 www.jccgb.org

Raising Jewish children does not just mean teaching our children about Jewish holidays and preparing them to become a Bar or Bat Mitzvah. We draw on Jewish values to guide how we parent and how we want our children to relate to one another and relate to the world around them. We hope our children will incorporate Jewish values such as justice and charity into their lives, but we can not expect these behaviors if we don't teach them, and reinforce them. Guide children with love and treat them with respect and at the same time help them set limits and be responsible. This is the blessing of the right hand and the left hand, the blessing of love and limits.

Sincerely,

Malka Young and Mindee Meltzer

Jewish Family Service of Metrowest

email: myoung@jfsmw.org

phone: 508-875-3100

web: http://www.jfsmw.org